she looked like the bat from fern gully.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
