i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
