i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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