Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
