he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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