He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
