Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
