I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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