I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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