I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I will be naked everywhere
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
