My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
