sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wish there were birth control emojis
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
