Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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