i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
