dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
