Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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