threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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