Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I party with great urgency now.
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