I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
