dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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