My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
