Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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