pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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