It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
