I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
