she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
