look no pants
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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