Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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