considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
