I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
