My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize