i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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