Well douche your snatch and let's go!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
