nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
