We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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