I am midnight drunk by noon
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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