I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
