I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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