I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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