I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
