Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
