Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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