When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
