Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
