I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
