If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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