worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
