I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
