I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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