you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
